Tancy Talks

You know we have been so blessed to have the ministry that God has given us.  We get to know people we would never expect to have been in our lives.  We are blessed continually by them all.  Yes, we get hurt, but God blesses us more abundantly that we could ask or think!

With the ministry we have, we have had much more cause to spend time downtown.  You know, DOWNTOWN … with the people….the place we only go when we have “Official” kind of business…that place that is a dichotomy of the the well dressed professional and the poorly dressed local… that place we all like to pretend doesn’t really exist.

Several times, I have had time to just sit and watch.  My heart is continually broken.  So much hurt.  So much brokenness.  So much bitterness. My heart breaks for the hard professional who scurries about their business and walks past the masses smugly.  My heart breaks for those being passed and looked down upon.  So many people, so many stories.

Now, I know that so many of these people are in their current circumstances by their own devices.  I realize that there are people that you can help  and no matter what will use and abuse you.  I know this.  We have seen it.  But, just think if our circumstances solely relied on what we deserved to get!  I don’t get what I deserve because I am covered by GRACE.  But, we chose to walk by those that we feel are just getting what they deserve?

A friend of ours just spent time with another friend down at Janet Wattles.  She was broken at the sight of the people.  The people that were hurting.  The people who were sick.  The people who just longed for positive human contact.  Her words reminded me of my first few visits to heart of our city.

The people.

So many people.

So much pain.

So much hurt.

And, what are we doing about it?

Sometimes, it just takes a smile.  Some people just need a smile. A kind look.

You never know how God may use you.  You just have to be willing.

You have to be willing to give a little something of yourself.

You have to be willing to let go of a little something.

You have to step out of your box.

Who knows how God may use you.

I have a gift.  A gift that my mother is not so proud of.  I have the gift of sarcasm.

I am pretty sure that God felt I needed a double helping of this gift, because he has truly blessed me.  Now, I have looked and looked in the Bible, and have yet to find it in the list of spiritual gifts, but I haven’t given up on looking quite yet.

I like my sarcasm.  I like the fun. I like the funniness.  I like the laughter.  Long ago, I made an effort to try and not use my sarcasm for evil.  I learned from close personal experience that it can be so hurtful as I was on the receiving end more often. But, alas, sometimes, I am not so nice.  I turned more toward self depreciating humor and that  gets the biggest laughs, and we all know  it is just FUN to LAUGH!

A little while ago, God starting to deal with me about my mouth again.  The Bible is far from timid when dealing with the subject, and I am guessing that some of those verses may have been written with my picture in the back of Solomon’s mind.

The mouth is such a powerful tool.  A tool for great good, and a tool for destruction.  What was I using it for?

Besides all the verses dealing with a foolish tongue, what about all the verses dealing with His praise?  “His praise shall continually be in my mouth.”  It is pretty hard to put a cheeseburger in your mouth, if there is a hot dog in there already.  It is pretty hard to have my mouth full of praise continually, when I have it full of sarcasm that cuts.

Praise.  Continually?  Thankfulness.  Gratefulness.  Joy.  Peace.

I have been challenged to be a more POSITIVE voice. Sure, you can have fun, but it can’t be at other’s expense.  It can’t be at my OWN expense either.

When, I spend my time insulting the creation that God has made, I am doing NOTHING to glorify God.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made!  God made me the way He chose – mouth and all.  He knew the issues I would face, and the problems that plague me.  He knew my strengths and my weakness and He chose me “before the foundation of the world.” and I go around KNOCKING His choice?

Lately, I am been seriously challenged in my resolve to be more positive.  Life is full of the same circumstances faced by my sarcastic alter ego, but my response to such circumstances MUST be different.  Instead of verbally lashing out at the situation or the person, I have to wait and think a whole lot more!   It is like trying to rewire my brain.  I know that I am not capable of such work.  I know that He who began a good work in me will finish what He started.

Don’t we serve an amazing God?

Tonight, I have been hard at work canning.  I bought a bushel of beans today because our own beans are not going to produce the numbers I was hoping for.  Heaven helped me clean the whole mess of them which took the better part of the evening.  When JP left to take them home, I started the cooking, filling, and bathing of the jars.

I admit the canning is not a very quiet job.  I make a lot of noise banging jars while washing and filling.  Constant bubbling of pots, and whistling of kettles.  Water turning on and off, and I turn on the disposal ever once and a while for good measure.  It is not a quiet place.

#1 came out of his brother’s room where is is sleeping due to the recent water in the basement that I haven’t had time to deal with completely.  “Wow. That is a lot of beans!  How long is that going to take? What else do you have to do?”

“I have a lot to do, but there is no way it will get done tonight.  Am I keeping you up?”

Sheepish grin and a slight nod.

“I am sorry, I will try to be quieter so you can sleep.”

“Its okay Mom, I know you have a lot to do.”

Fifteen minutes later. I hear him in the bathroom, then back to bed.

Another fifteen minutes later.  He came in to get a drink.

“Oh no. Are you still up because of me?”

Nod and hug.  Back to bed.

Another half an hour ended with another bathroom visit, and kitchen appearance.

“Mom, are you almost done?”

“I am trying, I am really done with the pot clanking, and the cleanup.”

Another half an hour.  Another flushing toilet.  Another kitchen companion.

Just a tired look and a smile.

“I am so sorry.”

“I know you are trying,and I know you are working hard for us.  I will be okay.  I love you.”

A giant hug, and he was gone again.

Tears.

So often, I miss the kid who used to run up and throw his arms unashamedly around me and tell me that I was the greatest thing ever.  I miss the face full of kisses. I miss my baby who is growing up in front of my eyes.

However, even though earlier today he asked me why I had to be SO weird, I still get these moments.  I haven’t gotten a kiss from him in nearly two years, but I am allowed to kiss him.  He has started giving me big hugs again, and comes up just wanting a hug every once in a while.  I savor them more now.  I appreciate his grown up attitude that shows up every so often.  (Even though most of them time he is tormenting someone he is related to and giggling under his breath) I love that little man.

 

I haven’t been sleeping well.  Sleep has been reluctant to come, and then fitful at best when it arrives.  I have had a lot on my mind lately with list of things that still must be done and my mind still reeling from recent events.  I have a hard time just turning off my brain sometimes.  I pray that I can remain STILL.  I must say that I am not very good at it.

When the alarm finally went off, I had been tossing for a couple hours and I was thrilled to have an excuse to get up.  I come from a long line of people who don’t sleep well for all the same reasons, and I fight to not be one of them. I was determined to stay asleep.  This is my summer break for Pete’s sake!  The first thing that greeted me was a fabulous pink sunset.  I exclaimed its beauty, and my husband groaned something about sailors beware.

I still reveled in the glorious pinkness.  My heart was filled with God’s goodness to me.  Something as simple as a soft pink sky remind me of His gentleness with me. He is gentle with me when I am hurt and when I am wrong and when I struggle.  He brought a song to my heart as I headed about my morning to do list.

“I cast all my cares upon you.  I lay all of my burdens, down at your feet.
And anytime, I don’t know what to do. I cast all my cares upon you. ”

When I got to sit down with Him, I read from my Utmost for His Highest this morning.  Again, a message for me.  It talked about going to the secret place and praying.  It talked about prayer being  willful act.  So many times, when I am trying to pray, my mind runs forty seven directions. Somehow,  I find myself lost in a to do list instead of prayer. I find myself frustrated with my running mind.  Yet, I was reminded that sometimes that secret place isn’t a physical closet, it is a secret place in my mind away from the to do lists and worldly distractions.  I willfully began to pray that God would give me the strength to willfully pray.  I know that sounds somewhat funny, but I know that the will I have to stop my mind from running is not strong enough to do its task.  I know that He is the only one capable of controlling my wandering mind.

I get so frustrated with my wandering mind and unsettled spirit.  I know all the verses about worry.  I know that it is a sin, and yet my mind runs.  The other thing I know is that I am His creation, and He made NO mistakes when he created me, wandering mind and all.  The comforting and incredible thought through it all, is He is SO MUCH BIGGER than my wandering and worry.  He is in control of all the things that run furiously through my mind.  For all that, I am so thankful.

 

 

My baby is going to kindergarten in nine short days.  For a long time, I didn’t think that it bothered me in the least.   I finally realize and admit, it really does bother me!

I think that our recent loss stirred up emotional junk and I am guessing it is compounded by the fact that I just turned 35.  I am not getting or younger and my life is slipping by one day at a time.

Thirteen years ago this month we had just found out we were expecting our first baby and had moved cross country on a new adventure.  Here we are as older versions of our same selves, and a whole lot of water has rushed under the bridge.

This year, we are busy getting a seventh grader, a third grader, a second grader, and a kindergartner ready for school.  (Do you have any idea how many school supplies that requires?)  It just doesn’t seem possible that we have that many kids going to real school.  Previously, I have been able to rationalize that #4 wasn’t going to real school, and we let him skip whenever Grandma would take him to play hookie. Now, it is REAL school.  The kind he has to actually go to everyday.

My baby is growing up.  I would say that he was our last, but the recent shock in our house has made me realize that I shouldn’t ever say that.  Nothing is fool proof.  I will say that we plan on him being our last unless God decides otherwise.  But, since we plan on him being our last it makes me sad.  This is the last first day of school we will have.  This is the last preschooler that is no longer.  It just makes me sad.

AND… It makes me feel OLD.  I can’t even imagine how I will feel when he graduates from high school!  I don’t want to think about how old I will feel then.

Time keeps flying and there is no way to slow it down.  For now, the only thing I can do is be grateful for each and every moment that I get to enjoy with them.  I am working on being grateful for the unenjoyable moments too 😉