Category: Uncategorized

I do not like to be told what to do.

I know that is shocking to some of you, but not exactly a revelation to others.  However, what I like even less that being told what to do is being told what I cannot do.  When someone tells me that I cannot do something, my ear slick back, my head goes down, and I am ready to charge.  I am guessing there may be a pride issue in there, but I have come to accept the fact that it is just the way I am and probably will always be.

A few days ago, during one our morning workouts I was having a conversation with my dear, dear friend Julie.  We were discussing hair.  I was lamenting over the current state of my hair, and the fact that it had gotten longer and I was unsure of what I was to do next.  I mentioned to her, that I really thought it was time to grow it out.  It has been nearly twenty years since I have had hair past my shoulders.  I cut it all off on my eighteenth birthday, and I have never grown it out since.  I have decided to several times, but I always get to that “in between” stage and then I chop it off in a fit of emotional despair. Plus, my husband LIKES short hair, so I have a reason for the constant hacking of my locks.

But, I would like a change.  I would like to be able to pull it up and out of my face. I would like to have a major difference to go with all the work I have been putting into changing my body.  Why not have different hair too!  It would be a whole new me!  So on I went….

Then, my dear, dear friend stopped her feet and looked me straight in the face and said…

I think you can do ANYTHING you set your mind to.  You can lose the weight. You can meet your goals.  You are a strong woman.  You can rule the world, but you cannot, you will not grow out your hair.

My ears slicked back, and my head went down, and I think my eyes might have got little and beady. She does not think I can do it.  She says I CANNOT!

Soooooooooooo, guess who HAS to grow her hair out now.  Just to prove a point.

This girl.

Guess whose husband is less than thrilled that the prospect, and is now refusing to shave his pitiful mustache off because of this?

This girl. 

Guess who will win.

This girl. 

I love you Julie.

For several weeks I have been extremely distraught over a particular situation.  I had reached my melting point last week.  The situation was sensitive, and my dear friend Julie was the only one who was tortured with my continued distressed ramble.  

On our morning rides last week, I cried through the majority of the hour.  I felt awful that I was monopolizing our conversation with my woe, but she kept listening.  I was a wreck.

Then she did what a good, true, and Godly friend would do.  She gave me Biblical counsel.  She gave me the counsel that I needed to hear, and not the counsel I wanted to hear.  She asked the tough questions… like… “How much are you praying about this?”  and “Have you really given this to Him?”  She reminded me that I had no control over the situation, and I was slipping back into that sin of worry (that God has been working on me about for months).  His way is best, and He is in control.  You need to take this to God.  Pray.  Read.  Wait.

I came home mind whirling and spend some time in my Bible and prayed that God would give me the strength to lay it down.  I prayed that He would give me the perseverance to leave it there.  I thanked him for Godly friends.

Then I started to make my plans.  I was going to deal with the situation head on.  I had it in my mind that yes, I was laying it down, but I was sure that God didn’t want me to harbor it, and that it should be brought out in the open.

God told me to wait.  He even allowed things to come into my schedule that made it so I COULDN’T get that talk in on Thursday night.

Then, I was reminded THREE TIMES in the next 12 hours of the scripture from Jeremiah 29.

11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[b] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. 13 You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

I knew it couldn’t be my plan.  I went to the ladies retreat the next day.  I was continually blessed and reminded of His plan for me.  I spent more time in prayer over my situation.  It still was a hurt in my heart, but I knew that I could not fix it.  He had to.

This morning, more reminders from scripture to wait on His plan.

I am not good at waiting. But I knew I had to.

This afternoon I left to do something else, and God allowed me to stop by.  The thought popped in my head that maybe today was the time *I* should bring it up.  Another gentle reminder that it was not my encounter to plan, so I went in with the resolve to not bring it up.

Wouldn’t you know…I was resolved to obey, and the topic was brought up by the OTHER person.  In fact, I was AVOIDING it, and God brought it all together in HIS time.  And the resolution of that situation was sweet.  It was freeing, and it was peaceful.

I am quite sure that if I would have gone in guns blazing and saddled with the resentful hurt, that “sweet,” “freeing,”  and “peaceful” would have been the antonyms for the the conversation.

I am so thankful.

I am so thankful that I had a Godly friend who was not afraid to give wise counsel.

I am so thankful that God had patience with me, and gave me many reminders to obey.

I am so thankful that my heart no longer aches. 

I am so thankful that I serve a God whose plan is SO MUCH better than anything I can imagine

Ephesians 3

20 Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us,

That is how good my God is!

I struggle with the whole idea of “being a Pastor’s wife.”  What exactly does that mean?  How does that make me ANY different than any other wife that is sitting in the pews at my church?  In my opinion, I do not think it does.  I am just an ordinary woman who happens to married to the guy who is trying to listen to God and keep all the balls in the air for everyone.

A while back, I asked on Facebook what people thought about pastor’s wives, and the answers made me giggle somewhat.  The answers that I really understood and pretty much agreed with came from pastors or pastor’s wives.  There were some answers I didn’t really agree with, but what I really noticed was the LACK of answers.

The majority of the answers were that a pastor’s wife’s job was that of any wife – to love and support her husband and take care of their home and family.  Some people alluded to the fact that there is an assumed leadership role as the wife of the head guy, but  most agreed the wife’s job is in her home.

What was missing?  What about all the people who get in a snit over the “Things that Pastor’s wife should be doing.” –

*and I want to make it VERY clear I am not referring to anything specific in the congregations that we serve in

You know what I am talking about… the things that are just ASSUMED she should be doing?  Like running Bible studies and women’s groups, teaching Sunday school, and cleaning church buildings, sending cards, makings calls, talking to everyone all the time, being everyone’s friend,  having everyone over all the time,  visiting the people in the nursing homes, hospitals, or their homes, or running the Christmas programs or parties, or… well you know this list could go on…. and on…

The things we just ASSUME she should be doing!

This is where I struggle.  I am just me.  I have watched this struggle in the past and I wonder how can I be the women that does all those things that are expected of her.

I am just this person who is struggling along life’s path just like the rest of the people in our churches.  I definitely have not arrived.  I am messed up.  I am trying to be a wife and mother that honors HIM.  I mess that up on a daily basis.  I try to help my husband in our ministry at the churches as much as I can.  Sometimes that means that we are making 200 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on our dining room table and sometimes that means I am playing a piano.  I try to do the ministries God has called me specifically to like the music in our churches.  However, I know the first ministry He has for me is my family.

I keep wondering how He can use me, and yet I KNOW that He has begun a good work in me, and He will continue it.  He did not make a mistake.  The second I start worrying about how I can do what He has set me to do, I am doubting His very goodness.  His will!  Who am I to think I know better than Him?  It is a pride issue!

Now, if I focus on a list of man-made requirements of what someone MIGHT think I should be doing, then I will fail miserably.  I am NEVER going to live up to other’s expectations.  I will fail.

BUT, I do not HAVE to. That is the amazing thing about Him.  I do not have worry about what others think about what I am doing, and I do not need their approval.

I need HIM.

Only Him.

If I “worry” about what He wants for my life and my ministry then I do not have to actually worry about anything else.  What an amazing release from the struggle!

I can walk confidently in what He has for my life regardless of what others say or think.  His way is better – no matter what pew I am sitting in.

 

Disclaimer: If talk of the pregnancy and reproductive health bother you, this post is not for you.  

Seven and half years ago, our youngest child was born.  After he came along and the circumstances surrounding our house and jobs, we did the “sensible” the thing and JP had a vasectomy.   I was pretty worn out from eight years of being pregnant and nursing. My body did not handle my last pregnancy all too well.  It all made sense.

We have always said that we were open to adopting, and have made no secret as to that fact.  We have looked into the foster care system, and we have looked into adoption from time to time. So many children need someone to love them.  Nothing has fallen into place yet.

Two summers ago, we got a the shock of shocks. I discovered I was pregnant again.  I could not believe it and I walked around crying.  I knew our family was not complete, but I really did not think God was going to grow it THAT way.  Well, as soon as I started to adjust to the idea that we were indeed pregnant, I miscarried.  The emotional roller coaster started.

JP went back to his doctor.  His doctor is convinced that JP is an idiot and his wife is sleeping around.  He told him he was 99.9% sure the baby was not his.

I dealt with the guilt and pain.

We went on.

I have continued praying about our family, and have long felt that it is not complete.  About a year ago, I started praying in earnest for another child.  (I would really like two, and God knows this because I like even numbers) I do now know how this child will be coming to our home, and I do not know when this child will be coming.

Now, I know, the logical part of my brain has a lot to say like.. “Are you crazy? Your life is already insane!”

“You are already so busy with the four incredible kids you are blessed with!”

“You can not really afford all this now!”

and countless other arguments.

BUT, I do know that God has allowed this desire to stay in my heart.  I do know that God has told me that He will grant me the desire of my heart… OR He will change them to be according to His will.  I do know that God has given me peace on this very subject.

In the last couple years, a few young children have passed through our lives with chances that they might come into our home.  My heart leaped, yet only to fall when things fell through. A couple months ago, God changed the way I prayed.  He reminded me He was in control, and when it was HIS time, this would happen.

Well, in the last couple weeks, I noticed again changes happening in my own body.  I began to suspect the condition I know very well.  I am a pro at it, after all.  I was hesitant to test because my body does not like to stay pregnant.  But at a couple weeks late, I decided it was time to find out.  Indeed, JP and I were staring at a faint blue line.

He was so excited, and I was so scared.  My body is not good at staying pregnant.  I told him not to be excited, but he could not help it.  I dreaded what everyone would say.

The very next day, the end started.

I know that He is in control.
I know that God can heal my hurt- physical and emotional.
I know that God can heal my husband’s hurt.
I know that God will do with this family what He wants.
I know that God has not changed the desire of my heart.
I know that God has given me peace that our family will grow again.
I know that there is a child who will  need a family to love him.
I know that God can use us to change the world for a child.
I know that God can use a child to change us.

Tonight, I sit.

Weary.

Tuesdays are always tiring, and today was no exception.  The weekend has been busy, so that has added to the weariness.  I sat down, and stared at a blank page wanting to write, but unable to really put my thoughts together. Thoughts were running about my head; my heart was unsettled.  I knew that putting them into words would help me deal with them.

The Holy Spirit nudged me. Maybe instead of writing, I needed to listen.  I needed to hear from Him.  This is what He gave me, and obviously exactly what I needed tonight.

Psalm 139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

 I don’t have to figure out exactly what I am thinking!  He knows each thought running about my unsettled mind!

3 You search out my path and my lying down

and are acquainted with all my ways.

4 Even before a word is on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

5 You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

it is high; I cannot attain it.

7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

9 If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

10 even there your hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me be night,”

12 even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

13 For you formed my inward parts;

you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there was none of them.

17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!

How vast is the sum of them!

18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.

I awake, and I am still with you.

19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!

O men of blood, depart from me!

20 They speak against you with malicious intent;

your enemies take your name in vain.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?

And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?

22 I hate them with complete hatred;

I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!

What comfort for my soul!  He knows it all.  He has known it all from long before I was around.  He knows what is coming.  I do not have to worry any of it.  He is in control.

He knows me.  

He loves me.