As I wrote earlier, I am truly struggling mentally. I am battling feelings of self doubt and disappointment and frustration with others. The frustration with others only magnifies when I feel like they are pinpointing the same things that I am irritated with in my own mind.
It is a strange place to be in when so many people tell you that they are surprised that I keep my head above water and then a whole other group of people telling me that I am a sinking. I find myself wanting to tell one group “It is ONLY by God’s strength that I survive every day and please don’t credit ME,” and wanting to tell the other group, “Please give me a little credit for not drowning already!”
I know that MY heart isn’t in the right place when I am frustrated with those negative around me. I want to kick and scream and occasionally stab someone in the eye with a fork. I want to tell them that I am a pretty decent person just trying to do the right thing. I want them to appreciate me… at least a little.
However, I KNOW that this isn’t where my heart should be. I KNOW that I am not doing any of this in my own strength, and it is truly God’s grace that pulls me through each day! I KNOW that each time I put my focus on poor me, I am pulling my focus off HIM.
No wonder I am sinking some days! I might as well change my name to Peter! My focus shifts and I sink.
Lord, please remind me to keep my focus on You.