I have been fighting a new battle for me. I have often fought feelings of depression, anxiety, defeat, inadequacy, or even lethargy, but rarely have I fought feelings of anger. Sure, I get mad about things, but I can usually get over them fairly quickly, and move on. Lately, I have been dealing with lingering feelings of anger.
I find myself angry at times, and I can not even pinpoint the exact reason that I am angry. I am just mad about a lot of things. I know that most of the time the anger surrounds our ministry and my husband. I know, I know. I can just hear the gasps, but I am a real person, and I won’t lie about it. Can the pastor’s wife just admit that she is mad about the ministry? Oh my.
I hate how intrusive our ministry can be at times. I hate how demanding our ministry can be at times. I hate that my husband is pulled in every direction and used up and I get what little, if anything is left at the end of the day. That hate leads to resentment. That resentment breeds anger, and Tancy is walking about mad at the world.
Yes, I know you nerds in the crowd are all quoting Yoda, and trying to figure out how I could have put those exact words into that line…even I thought about it.
When I am walking around mad at the world I am not walking in the Spirit. I am not listening for His prompting. I am not open to the opportunities that He is setting before me. I am not being obedient. My focus is wrong.
When we started down this journey, we said we were unwilling to sacrifice our family on the altar of ministry because we had witnessed that ourselves. But saying that we don’t want to do that, and knowing how to do that is so difficult! How does my husband tell a dying man that he can not go sit with him again because he needs to be home with his family some time this week? How do I say that I don’t have time to help you right now because I have things to at my own home? How do you train people that they don’t need to call you for every little thing? Where is the line? How do you know?
This is the place we find ourselves in. Defining our boundaries. This battle causes conflict This battle causes division. This battle causes anger.
I know that the anger is wrong. Even if there IS a problem with the balance, anger isn’t the answer. I keep begging God to deal with it. I know the resentment and anger comes when I take my focus off of what is important, and that is Christ. However, that doesn’t mean that the need for balance in our life isn’t real.
I keep begging for wisdom for both of us. We need it. We both need to find that balance and be wise about our time. We both have to find a way to minister while preserving the first ministry God has given us within our own family. I have keep my focus on Christ, and what He is accomplishing. The second my focus shifts to my own pity party, I am wrong.
God keep my focus on you, and please help us define the lines. We can not do it alone.