Tonight, I sit frustrated and ready to cry. I hate feeling this way, and I hate getting pushed to the point that I am at. I don’t have anything really major going on. I am not facing the things that I know others are facing right now. Why can’t I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and trudge on?
I know that the biggest thing in my retarded little life that is bugging me if the chaos in this house. I have this little pantry project…. this little project that was supposedly going to take a couple, maybe three days. Here we are…nearly three weeks later and I have walls, but no mud. I have wires, but no electrical. I have tile, but unfinished. I have a covered window, with siding that is all over the ground. And, because of the displacement of things from their normal perch, the rest of the house is in chaos. I hate living like this. It makes me nutty. I NEED my home in order.
I hate that I can’t seem to stay well enough to get anything done. I am supposedly recovering from this last round of the creeping crud. Everytime I think I am better, I get slapped with another thing floating in the air. I grow very weary of everyone telling me that I need to air out the house, have my house tested for _______, I need to spray more lysol, use more bleach, feed my kids this or that, take this supplement or that supplement, cook this way, get more sleep, take more time to rest, quit doing so much, take care of myself, see more doctors, see less doctors, and ask about how I could be sick AGAIN.
I have heard it all. I beat myself up with it so often on my own. I don’t need others to beat me up too.
I just want to feel healthy. I just want to have time to get the exercise that I want because I know I feel so much better when I am. I want to run. I don’t have time to run.
* FREE BONUS ADVICE — And, if one more person tells me that “You make time for “What you want” I will slap them.
The other frustration is all the advice I get from people who have NO CLUE about my life. Unless you have a remote clue as to how it is to live to function as a wife, mother of four, have a full time job, have a part time job, teach 11 piano lessons a week, be a pastor’s wife, and do all the other stuff I need to around this dump of a house – Please don’t tell me how to do my jobs or give me a list of what I am doing wrong. Please just don’t.
I have been reading a pretty good book on my Kindle about Simple Living. It is what I long for, and yet, I don’t know if the book is helping or compounding the frustration. I think there are so many great thoughts and ideas. I want to do those things. I want to live that kind of life, but my current life seems to be continually in the way. It seems to be such a gargantuan task that there is unattainable.
I just keep thinking I need to get through the next two days. THEN, I have a week of Spring Break and I can maybe breathe a bit. So many are asking if I want to do this or that, or I can give them this amount of time for something. I am truly fighting the urge to be very stingy with my time. I get so little of it. I want to spend my time doing what I want to do with it. TRYING TO SIMPLIFY MY LIFE. Trying to get things done…. and yes, dear JULIE I really want to actually see you 🙂