Disclaimer: If talk of the pregnancy and reproductive health bother you, this post is not for you.
Seven and half years ago, our youngest child was born. After he came along and the circumstances surrounding our house and jobs, we did the “sensible” the thing and JP had a vasectomy. I was pretty worn out from eight years of being pregnant and nursing. My body did not handle my last pregnancy all too well. It all made sense.
We have always said that we were open to adopting, and have made no secret as to that fact. We have looked into the foster care system, and we have looked into adoption from time to time. So many children need someone to love them. Nothing has fallen into place yet.
Two summers ago, we got a the shock of shocks. I discovered I was pregnant again. I could not believe it and I walked around crying. I knew our family was not complete, but I really did not think God was going to grow it THAT way. Well, as soon as I started to adjust to the idea that we were indeed pregnant, I miscarried. The emotional roller coaster started.
JP went back to his doctor. His doctor is convinced that JP is an idiot and his wife is sleeping around. He told him he was 99.9% sure the baby was not his.
I dealt with the guilt and pain.
We went on.
I have continued praying about our family, and have long felt that it is not complete. About a year ago, I started praying in earnest for another child. (I would really like two, and God knows this because I like even numbers) I do now know how this child will be coming to our home, and I do not know when this child will be coming.
Now, I know, the logical part of my brain has a lot to say like.. “Are you crazy? Your life is already insane!”
“You are already so busy with the four incredible kids you are blessed with!”
“You can not really afford all this now!”
and countless other arguments.
BUT, I do know that God has allowed this desire to stay in my heart. I do know that God has told me that He will grant me the desire of my heart… OR He will change them to be according to His will. I do know that God has given me peace on this very subject.
In the last couple years, a few young children have passed through our lives with chances that they might come into our home. My heart leaped, yet only to fall when things fell through. A couple months ago, God changed the way I prayed. He reminded me He was in control, and when it was HIS time, this would happen.
Well, in the last couple weeks, I noticed again changes happening in my own body. I began to suspect the condition I know very well. I am a pro at it, after all. I was hesitant to test because my body does not like to stay pregnant. But at a couple weeks late, I decided it was time to find out. Indeed, JP and I were staring at a faint blue line.
He was so excited, and I was so scared. My body is not good at staying pregnant. I told him not to be excited, but he could not help it. I dreaded what everyone would say.
The very next day, the end started.
I know that He is in control.
I know that God can heal my hurt- physical and emotional.
I know that God can heal my husband’s hurt.
I know that God will do with this family what He wants.
I know that God has not changed the desire of my heart.
I know that God has given me peace that our family will grow again.
I know that there is a child who will need a family to love him.
I know that God can use us to change the world for a child.
I know that God can use a child to change us.