The topic that no one wants to talk about

I struggled with the idea of even blogging about this subject.  However, I know that God has given me an opportunity to share my burdens with others and who knows how He will use it.  I felt compelled to write about this too. 


Recently,  I have been not feeling like myself.  I have felt worn out nearly every day.  I had some suspicions that I was experiencing symptoms I am all too familiar with.  I didn’t believe it could possibly be. My husband had endured the vasectomy from hell a few years ago, so it was NOT a possibility.  I looked up the failure rate of the big chop chop, and the odds were in my favor.  I blamed the timing and symptoms on everything else I could think of.  Finally, I relinquished and took a test even though I didn’t want the confirmation.

Sure enough, I was pregnant.  I sat in shock and worry.  I cried, and for good measure, I cried a little more.  My husband was elated.  He was naming the baby already, and installing a pregnancy calculator on his phone. We figured a due date.

I continued to worry.

The thoughts raced through my head.  I know that I have NOT carried more that I have have carried to term.  I know that I am not getting any younger.  I know that I have a job that pays for our kids education, and what would we do with a newborn?!? I know that this means a teenager and a baby in the same year. I know that many jaws will be bruised when they hit the floor. I know my health went to pot the last time around.  I know that I don’t feel like I can do it again.  racing….racing….

I finally fell asleep in my worry, and my husband finally fell asleep in his excitement.

The very next day around noon I saw my first signs of trouble, and having walked this road so many times, I resigned myself to the inevitable.  My instincts were correct, and indeed the process continued.  Then comes the guilt.

The guilt.  I feel guilty for the tears.  I feel guilty that I did not enjoy the thought from the very beginning. I feel guilty for all  my body’s inadequacies.  I feel guilty I cannot give my husband that child he was so excited about.  I feel guilty that I even took the test in the first place.  I could have explained it all away.  I could have dealt.  I feel guilty that I felt somewhat relieved that I don’t have to deal with all those other things that I was worried about.  It is a ridiculous cycle of guilt.

I look at the four precious gifts God has given me, and I am overwhelmed by His blessings.  Then, I am deeply saddened that I won’t know what a amazing blessing this baby may have been.  If I think about the fact that each of these children were once tiny creatures that looked like a shrimp with a heartbeat I wonder who is this child that I will never know. The ache in my heart makes the pain in my body seem minuscule.

We have walked this road before, and I don’t want to think about the children I will never never carry in my arms.  The first couple were SO hard, and I could see no reason that God would allow us to go through the hurt.  Over the years, the pain doesn’t change, but the way God has used to has amazed me.  It has helped heal the wounds.

Miscarriage is something that people just don’t talk about.  People don’t know WHAT to say, so they say nothing at all.  One of the things God has shown me, is that SO many people have walked this road.  So many others have arms that will not hold their sweet children.  So many people have arms that have been empty continually, and I know that God has blessed us with four beautiful children.

God will use it all for HIS glory.  What a comforting thought.  His arms can carry me, and who knows that God will do with this.  The children I never knew are safe in the arms of my Savior.  He picks up the pieces and puts me back together again.  He has a plan which is so much greater than mine.  He knows the answers to the questions that I haven’t even asked yet.  I praise Him for his perfect will for our lives.  He will use it all to His glory and He will wow me yet again.

Where is my billboard?

Its a funny thing, the whole “Knowing God’s Will” thing.  Christians everywhere say that they know this or that about God’s will.  We all hear people pray for us to know and follow God’s will.  Yet, it sometimes seems so hard to know exactly what it is or what it means at this point in our lives.

I have prayed often for God to reveal His will to me or to us as a couple.  I know that God has given me different talents or gifts for His glory.  He gives me opportunity to use those talents for Him.  I can only think that He means those for me to do His will.  So why is it so hard to know what I am supposed to be doing?

The other night at Bible Study a new Christian asked “I know we are supposed to talk to God, but how do I know what He is telling me back.”  Several of us giggled nervously, and I don’t think for a bad reason.  It was one of those “don’t we all wonder sometimes” kind of giggles.

So many times I wish God would just write the answer across a billboard, send me an e-mail, order a singing telegram, or just send a  booming voice from Heaven saying “Go Here. Do This.”   Wouldn’t that be just so much easier?

Instead, the Holy Spirit is my guide.  I know that all too often my mind or mouth is not still enough to hear it.  Sometimes, I just don’t really like hearing “no,” “not now,” or “what are you thinking?” Sometimes, I really am not listening or wanting to hear.

I am so thankful for those moments in my life that His direction has been crystal clear to me.  He provided me two different jobs over the years when I wasn’t even looking for a job!  They called me!   He was providing a need before I knew that I needed anything.

I am so thankful for those times that I couldn’t figure out why any of this was happening, and yet God had this tremendous plan set in place that I couldn’t see until He revealed His plan to me.  Everyone has heard me talk about our precious #4 and what a struggle he had a birth.  Well, if God had not allowed all those terrible things to happen to us in WY and in ID, would we have even been somewhere that could have kept #4 alive?  Would I have survived? Yet, we had to truly rely on Him carrying us though those roughest of circumstances to reap His bountiful rewards later!

I think of all the different things that I thought SHOULD be my ministry.  I have longed for years to minister to women and specifically, write for women.  I have talked to others about this desires, and one pastor told me, “Well, Tancy, this probably IS God’s will for you, but maybe not RIGHT now.”  I went away somewhat discouraged and shoved it to the far recesses of my mind.   I thought “well, I was willing….Hmpff”

The other night I was sitting with a lovely group of women from our church family.  We were enjoying each other’s company and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I could hear Him say to me, “The time is Now – just look around you!”  I glanced around my friends and was overwhelmed.  God has given me that ministry.  It might not have been in the EXACT form that I was thinking it should be in.  It didn’t follow my rules.  It is HIS WILL.  This is what HE wants me to do right now.

I know that I feel so  ill equipped to minister to these women!  I know that I don’t have the life experience that I thought I should have to do the kind of ministry he has sent us! Sometimes I just feel like we are flying by the seat of our pants.  I often think, “Are you SURE this is what you think we can do right now God?”  God has given us a unique group of people to serve, and I often feel so inadequate.

Yet again, I need to be STILL.  Be still, and KNOW that I am God. Be Still? me? I am pretty sure that God put that verse in the Bible just for ME!

Who am I to question what ministry He has sent me?

Who am I to question whether or not God is in infinite wisdom has equipped us properly?

Who am I to think I really have ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT AT ALL?

It is HIM! It is HIS work.  He is in control.  He is doing the work, not us.

What comfort.  What sweet peace.  I don’t need a singing telegram after all.

The zoo grows…

Now, I just want you to know the zoo refers to our animal family, not our natural family.

Because the Griffin house is just not alive enough we have added another tiny being to feed.  Even as I sit here, a baby guinea pig just pooped on me.

We have two dogs, a few fish, a finch,  five guinea pigs, and now….  a Hermit Crab.

#4 is so creative…. he named him Hermie  🙂

He is so cute with his little crab.  He wants to paint his shell like Captain America.

If I could make the picture come up and post, I would put it up here.  A photo is up on FB though.

A much needed little break

It is funny how a little “vacation” can liven a girl up. We were literally only gone 24 hours, but it was 24 hours of relaxation. It was 24 hours of not really worrying about too much of importance. We played in some sand, took a boat ride, had a bon fire, hung out at the pool, and went to a pig roast. It was nice to just have a break.

I don’t get breaks too often. Sure, I hang out at Magic Waters or at my mom’s pool, but the job usually goes with me 🙂 This time, they were all there too, but everyone was in the relaxing kinda mood.

I feel ready to tackle things again (even if it is temporary), and I feel like I can face the to do list that is waiting for me on the wall. I feel like I am ready to go for the tomatoes and corn that need to be tackled int he next two weeks. I am afraid no more 🙂

However, I may just need a nap first.